Missing
by AppleW
Summary: "You forgot me long ago"  Songfic. Contains character death and a bit of Kyman


**Song= Missing by Evanescence. **

****AUTHORS NOTE: **Well, as I promised myself, I wrote a song fic about a character in South Park~ I know I know, Evanescence + South Park = no, I don't like the group very much, but I love this song, and I thought it fits Cartman, because I can totally see him in the future regreting all he has done, and everyone leaving him for their own sanity. I feel kinda bad for him though~

Reviews, corrections and constructive critique are pretty much appreciated :D

**Warning: **Expect OOCness due to angsty scenery and growing up. Sorry D: Contains Kyman, you decide if it's friendship or slash ;o

*South Park and all its characters belong to Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Missing (c) Evanescence

* * *

_Please, please forgive me,_  
_But I won't be home again._

_Maybe someday you'll look up,_  
_And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:_  
_"Isn't something missing?"_

It is 6:30. I'm sitting in my bed, lost in thoughts and with confused feelings. Why did she say such horrible things to me? She was drunk, I know. But they say that when you're drunk you always speak with the truth.

Of course I was a bad son. But I wasn't that little 9 year old boy who leeched from her mom to get what he wanted anymore. Now that I was 16, both of us had changed. I had matured, and I was helping keeping up the house now, with my poor salary as a a part time cashier in a local coffee shop. Mom didn't work anymore, all she does all day was getting drunk and dating different men each week, that way she earned a little money. She barely notices me now, when she was sober, and we usually fight. All she does is asking for my money, which I give to her to compensate all the shit that I've done to her in the past.  
But I gave her more than half of my payment this time, and I was running out of money for food. I waited for her to be calmed after a fight with one of her 'boyfriends'. I slowly entered the room, walked towards her and gently asked for a little money. I didn't notice the bottle of rum by her side. She then yelled at me.

_"What? Get away from me! All you've done all this years is ruining my life! How you dare to ask anything from me? You don't even need food, just look at that huge body of yours!"_ Mom yelled in an unusual way, smashing her glass in the table. She looked frightening, with her eyes reddened and her hair in a mess. I was speechless. She calmed down a bit, and took another sip from her rum bottle. _"I tried to fix you, but you wouldn't change, you're fucked up for life. You'll never get a good job. You'll never marry anyone. All you do is fuck the world. You killed your own father, you're a hopeless waste of space."_

It was all wrong. What I was doing, what she was doing to herself. I couldn't stand it anymore. I take off my pajamas, and look at myself in the mirror. Gross. A fat slob in the mirror locked eyes with me. I ran a hand through my belly. I thought I would lose weight when growing up, but no. It seemed like I'd be like that forever. My mom was right. No one in the world would fall in love with me. Ever. Nobody really liked me, not even myself. I was only hurting my mom and everyone who surrounded me.

I sighed and dropped my heavy body into the matress. I knew what I sould do.

_You won't cry for my absence, I know -_  
_You forgot me long ago._

I decided to throw away all my belongings. I didn't need anything. I didn't have much either. I decided to leave some of my clothes and stuff my mom could sell. Would she even notice I left? She would probably notice a few less dollars in the table. Maybe then she would realize something's missing.

It's 8:30 now. I sigh and look at the picture of my friends I found while throwing away my shit. We were so small... this picture was taken when we were 10 years old. I stand up and look through the window. I can spot my three 'friends' in the bus stop, as usual. The only difference is that I'm not there. But... who cares?

_Am I that unimportant...?_

It's obvious that they don't. They never did.

_Am I so insignificant...?_

They're laughing and talking, obviously happy about my absence. I wonder if they even noticed I wasn't there. Maybe the Jew did, but he practically ignores me now. I look at the photo again. I was laughing and both Kyle and Stan were frowning, Kenny had a worried look in his face. In the past, we would argue all the time, I would call him 'stupid jew' and he would call me 'fatass' or something, Stan would stand up for him and Kenny would sigh, tired of seeing us do that same shit everyday. But as the years passed, they realized they didn't need me. They grew tired of the fat ball of shit that I was, and started taking distance from me. They started excluding me from their activities. They didn't play with me anymore, they didn't sit with me in lunch time. They tried to talk to me, to warn me about my behavioral problems, but I wouldn't hear them. The one who seemed to care the most was Kyle, and all I did was ripping on him until he got enough. With time, we stopped having adventures together, and my life was slowly turning into a dull and stupid routine. Just like my mom, they didn't notice me anymore. I hung out with them sometimes, but they wouldn't talk to me anymore. They wouldn't even get mad at my insults of laugh at my jokes. Not even a 'hi', I was like a ghost walking behind them. Like their shadows.

Just like my mom, they wouldn't miss me.

_Isn't something missing?_  
_Isn't someone missing me?_

Sometimes I wish I was the same asshole I used to be. I was shattered inside, but I still managed to appear strong ot the outside world. Now I am a pity both inside and outside. But nobody would feel sorry for me. I left those horrible memories in their heads. I am a murderer, a liar, a traitor, and a heartless son of a bitch, literally. Why would anyone comfort me? I have no friends. And it's all my fault. I can't blame anybody for that._  
_

_Even though I'm the sacrifice,_  
_You won't try for me, not now._

But I tried to be better. I tried to help mom, I didn't sleep trying to keep up with school homework because I was busy at daytime working, going to school and cleaning the mess mom left in the house. I was exhausted, and I knew mom wouldn't give me a hand. She wouldn't even try to help me, though I was sacrificing for her. Deep inside me, I think I deserve it.

_Though I'd die to know you love me,_

I wish she said she loved me just once again. I'd die to know she hasn't forget she has a son who she used to love. Or at least pretend she loved.

_I'm all alone._

My friends had left me long ago. And my mom had forgotten me years ago. Would any of them miss me?

_Isn't someone missing me?_

_Please, please forgive me,_  
_But I won't be home again._

I walked down the stairs with my mind focused on leaving it all behind and never look back, but I couldn't help to look at my mom. She was smoking a joint with a man by her side.

I sighed loudly. He turned to face me, but she didn't notice. I glared at him. All mom's 'clients' disgusted me. Sometimes, they would hit her. And when I went to her help, she would tell me to get the fuck away. But somehow I knew it was her fault after all. Just like me, she decided her path in life. She was doing that to herself.

_I know what you do to yourself  
__I breathe deep and cry out  
"Isn't something missing?_  
_Isn't someone missing me?"_

Where should I go? I know. I want to see my 'friends' one more time. I tried to fix my relationship with them, but it failed miserably. There was nothing to fix, because they were never my friends. They even told me to my face they hated me, that they wouldn't give a rat ass if I dropped dead in front of them. I won't deny I used to think the same way they did. I used to fantasize about killing them of making them suffer. Specially Kyle. I had an obsession with him. But since the day they started to drift away from me, I started to feel like I needed them. You know, some people say you don't appreciate stuff until you lose them. I wonder if they would miss me when I'm gone.

_Even though I'm the sacrifice,_  
_You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,_

I stood at a safe distance, looking at them until the bus came and took them with it. I looked at their smiles, their gestures. They didn't say a word about me. Maybe they thought I was right beside them, silent, like always. But I wasn't.

_I'm all alone._  
_  
_

It's 6:15, and I'm walking towards Kyle's house. There's something I need to do before I leave for good.

_Isn't someone missing me?  
_

I knock the door twice, hoping for Kyle to respond. I can hear Stan and Kenny's voices from inside. One minute later, Kyle opens the door just a little bit and takes a peek outside. He frowned when he saw it was me_._

"What do you want fatass?" He seems a little upset from seeing me. I don't blame him.

I stood in the door frame. I don't know how to say it. I'm sorry? He would just shut the door on my face. In fact, he looks like he is about to do so. I lower my head, avoiding eye contact. I don't dare to look at his face

"Fuck you, Jew" I blurt

He sighed exasperatelly.

"I don't have time for you shit, fat asshole!" He attempted to close the door. I stopped him.

"I want to tell you something!"

"I don't care!" He shouted. He reminded me of my mother. "Haven't you noticed that we don't want anything to do with you yet?"

That was it. I knew that there was no point talking to him. My mouth opened slightly, and I stood there speechless. I took a step back. He glared at me and closed the door in my face, as I predicted.

"I'm sorry Kyle"

I heard his steps stopping. I thought he would come back and face me, but he resumed walking into his house a second later, to join Stan and Kenny in their laughter.

I fall to my knees, tears starting to come out from my eyes silently. I raise my head and look into the sky, how peaceful it looks...

He didn't open his door to me, as I didn't open my door to him when I was younger. I walked away. That's what them all wanted me to do.

* * *

I sit near the cliff. The view is beautiful, then sun is setting, and the red light is reflecting in the water of the river below me. The snow gives a peaceful look to the scenery.

I pull out something I had in my pocket. A picture of my mom and I, and the picture I found in the morning, the four of us. A sad smile starts to creep in my face. Old times...

I wish I'd said how important they were for me before. I wish I noticed it before. But I didn't, just like they now don't notice me anymore. Or in Kyle's case, don't care.

But now I've lost it all.

All I have left is myself...

And even I don't want to deal with me.

I stand up slowly, still holding the photographs close to my heart, where they should remain forever.

_And if I bleed, I'll bleed,_  
_Knowing you don't care._

As I start walking towards the cliff, I start playing all my memories in my mind.

Mom ...

She used to be so sweet to me. She was the only one who helped me and loved me. And I turned her down.

I look to the sky

... Dad... I'll see you soon...

I let the wind hold my body as I fall, and I think of those who tried to support me... Kenny... I wish I would have really been his best friend, for a long time he was the only one who would support me. Just like Butters did before. But I turned them down too...

Stan, Kyle...

Kyle...

I didn't open my doors to you...

_And if I sleep just to dream of you_  
_I'll wake without you there,_

I am flying now. I can feel the wind messing my hair, caressing my face and my hands like no one else did. Touching my dried lips as I fall into it. All that exists is me and my pictures still attached to my heart. All I see is the purple sky, and though I'm falling, it seems like I'm drowning into it, getting closer, closer...

_Isn't something missing?__  
_

And closer...

_Isn't something..._

...Until I see no more.

_

* * *

_

Kyle had a bad feeling about Cartman. He was acting really strange. Maybe he should go check him out.

As he opened his house's door, he noticed a little note in a piece of paper in the snow. It was Cartman's handwriting.

_I'm walking away, Kyle_

Worried about it, he went to Cartman's house, where his mom told him that Eric had left a note saying he'd gone to see the river. Weird. _Why would that asshole go there?_ It was dangerous, if he fell from that cliff, he could... What if he tries to... Oh God.

He gasped and ran to the cliff. He could save him. He could still save ...

He stopped suddenly.

Why was he doing this?

Did he really care about him?

He didn't know... all Eric had done in the past was making him suffer, but lately, he noticed that he wanted to join them once again.

But none of them gave him the chance to change.

Maybe... just maybe... it was somehow their fault too?

...

Kyle approached the cliff, calling Cartman's name desperately. He reached the spot where Eric was sitting 10 minutes ago. The grass was still warm, and Eric's hat rested in the ground near the snowy peak in the end of the cliff. He was too late...

"No... it can't be.."

He slowly approached and grabbed the hat. A paper fell from it.

_"Even though I'm the sacrifice,_  
_You won't try for me, not now._  
_Though I'd die to know you love me,_

Kyle fell to his knees, as tears started to cross his face_.  
_

_I'm all alone._

_"Cartman..." _

Memories started crossing his mind as he rested his head in the snow. _"Should we care about him?" "No dude, he's fatass, remember"  
_

_Isn't something missing?_

_"You were missing"_

_Isn't someone missing me?"_

_All I needed to say was "I'm sorry too", and accept his apology. But I didn't... I couldn't..._

* * *

...

_Can you stop the fire?_  
_Can you stand to fight her?_  
_You cant stop the fire,_  
_you wont say the words._


End file.
